Melinda was, pretty remarkably, among hundreds and thousands of other women, selected to be the experiment’s only off-white subject. I used shreds of it sometimes to pad my duck stuffing. “Like the universe does™”, to take the slogan from the pamphlet the gov sent out. And she was exercising her extreme modernness when, three months pregnant with me and also, not insignificantly, hard up for cash, Melinda applied to be in a clutch of young pregnant women to be “pressed under the thumb” (she’s stupidly florid, I don’t know) of one of France’s more daring late 21st century experimental national space programs: giving birth in space. So modern she didn’t take my name in birth. They named me Luçien Petiot, a very fine name for any male French newborn, though I prefer to call myself “I”, despite my mother’s objections to get as much mileage out of this really super nice name as I can. How cute! And as a newborn, I was still enslimed in that lip-glossy coating of placenta like a parmesan chicken cutlet post-egging, pre-breading. When I touched down onto the land of grapey Sardinian groves and meat-shreddy delicatessens and boring yellow houses that make the third planet from the Sun the place to be that it is for most beings, I was a newborn. I felt helpless, wet, and generally uncomfortable about the whole darn thing.
Going to Earth was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
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